Monday, April 26, 2010
Acceptance
Ever since Luke came along things have certainly changed. I feel like I have gone through most of the stages of grief, the shock and denial are long gone. The pain and guilt were probably the hardest for me I guess because Luke and I have the same chromosomal duplication so I have always felt responsible. Then there was Anger and Depression. I can happily say I feel like I am at the upward turn heading into the final phase Acceptance. Acceptance is a place I long to be but I think one thing that holds me back isn't so much accepting "Luke" but accepting how life is different for everyone with him in it. I have to accept the things we can not all enjoy together as a "typical family." It is sometimes compiled by others leaving us out because of him. It is hard to explain this to many of you but some of my "special mommies and daddies" will understand where I am coming from. My friends some who I have had my whole life find it difficult to talk to me. Sometimes it is my fault I have never been the best listener I clearly prefer to talk. However, I know many of them don't want to talk to me about their everyday family issues as I struggle with mine. Many say, "I can only imagine" when I begin to tell them a crazy story about our day. But the truth is part of me can't help but think there are no words that they can say to make me feel better. Sometimes my friends feel like they are just going through the motions listening to me. The connection I had before Luke came along where I was just a "typical mommy" that couldn't get Alex to nap or eat, is long gone. I can't even describe how I feel like we are on 2 different planets. It would be like having a best friend who speaks a completely different language, the communication is so broken. The more I sit here to write this I wonder if I am really at the upward turn, where I am moving in to Acceptance, the place I long to be. My hope for people reading my blog tonight would be that although you and I may be on 2 different planets, or speaking 2 different languages I promise eventually I will be through all of my stages and get to a place of total acceptance and we can talk again in the way we used to. I just need time to finishing grieving for the child I thought I was having. My true friends will stick around and be patient in this process and wait out or weather the storm with me. The ones who are not here to experience what it will be like to be my friend once I am in the place of total acceptance will be missing out on so much!
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Hang in there, girl. I think part of the problem with getting to acceptance is that there is always something that comes along to re-open the wound. In a death, it's over. The situation will not change. With our God-kissed children, each new person, situation, or place brings about the opportunity to tear open that wound.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think you are right-on about true friends. You know what? You don't have time for them anyway! Thinking of you, and praying for you, too :) Oh, and enjoying your blog!
The whole process is just that "a process". You will go up and down through the stages of grieving a lot! But, the good part is , you'll reach acceptance more and stay there a lot longer. Of course you'll go back down through the stages sometimes, that's completely normal, but you'll get back to acceptance much quicker.
ReplyDeleteAs for "typical mommy friends..". That's a tough one and takes a lot of work for you and your friends. When Connor was a toddler I was determined to have "typical" friends, so I worked extremely hard at it. It wasn't always easy as often we were so very different. But we had long conversations and worked hard at thinking about the other person's perspective and how they saw things, what THEY needed... I had to tell them what I needed from them... and it goes both ways. What did they need from me? It's not just about me. I still have three amazingly close friends whose children are quite typical. It's amazing to have shared so many very intimate and difficult moments with them and to also share their children's lives. We are so very close. I really encourage you to work at these relationships. It's so important to have them. Think past the discussions of ear infections and how frustrating that can be to you and remember that for them, that's as big as a seizure is to you. Hang in there, and remember the reward of having a close friend. Much love
Deb
Miss Jackie,
ReplyDeleteAfter 20 years, there is no acceptance. There is grief every day, over something. There is acceptance of God's sovereign plan, but and that He is sovereign, but that's way different than acceptance of all the things your child will ever do. Some days are better than others....somedays the blessings shine through. Other days the day clouds overshadow the blessing.