Forgetting How to Breathe

I took Luke to the pulmonolgist today, deep down I think I knew it was going to be a waste of time. I felt very stupid in the appointment because it had been mentioned before. In our big care conference a few weeks ago we briefly discussed Luke's cyanotic events. I have repeatedly found him completely BLUE from his fingernails, chest, lips- he looked like a smurf. However at the care conference we didn't disuss them too much because I hadn't seen them in awhile. Well they came back and are happening more frequent. Sometimes he just grows pale , very pale as if you could lie him in a coffin and he would look like he belonged there. That is my biggest fear. That one of these BLUE episodes could lead to just that. Although the doctors have told me before it was probably just a neurology thing that in that moment his brain was not telling him to breathe. I still paniced what if his heart was defective. what about his lungs. I never want them to test him, prick him, or torture him for any tests but I wanted them to tell me something, find something, that they could fix. Well just like everything else with him they have nothing. Nothing to tell me on why this is happening, if it will stop or anything I can do for him. It is apparently just a central apnea. I guess I shouldn't say just. Cause its bad , I keep thinking hes smarter than that. How can my baby boy not know to breathe. I know that it doesn't work like that and obviously in the part of the brain that isn't working correctly there must be damage to the part that tells the body to breathe. I knew in my heart that what I was seeing was not a seizure but really almost as scary. At least when he is seizing most of the time he does continue to breath even though it is shallow, he breathes. But for know I guess we do what we do about every new diagnosis added to the list, we hope and we pray that it will correct itself and he will be healed. But for now I will continue to panic and be more afraid for him when he is not with me.