Little Boy not so Blue (today)!

So yesterday after a very sleepy day for little man, he woke after a second nap looking very pale. Then I noticed a few cluster episodes of him turning blue again. I have never seen them happen a few times in a row. I watched in horror as he grew pale and then eventually blue and then a deep breath and he was back to tired! I just can't seem to buy that that is just his brain forgetting to tell him to breathe- Really? I want to believe the doctors and not ask more questions in fear they will want to start doing more tests but then I worry what if they are wrong and the heart or lungs are not ok! What could they missed I feel like they have tested everything- yes many things are slightly off but there is no explanation why. I was alone with him yesterday cause daddy took other kids to Loyal Oak to swim and I grew angry that he was not there to see these unusual events. I feel like he misses alot of stuff especially cause when he isn't feeling well I always offer to stay with him. 1 cause its easier and gives daddy some time with the other 2 and 2 cause its easier for me if all he does is want to sleep I can clean a drawer, pay the bills get thank yous written! But yesterday when Daddy was not home I allowed my mind to go places that hurts just thinking about it- I kept thinking what if this time he doesn't take that deep breathe - how would i get a hold of Steve and how would i tell him, I thought about all of my friends who have lost their children and I can't bear that- I thought am I doing enough for him - today i put a call into the pulmonologist and am waiting a call back of course now not til Monday- but than I think does he need oxygen during the events or all the time to prevent them- would that even help- and then today he went to school and had such a good day he was so happy and back to himself- so for a minute i want to forget it even happened and wait and see but what if next time I do have to intervene- I was just reading up on CPR tonight on internet- I havent practiced in so long- something tells me I would just do it but would i do it right - would it help- such a rollercoaster with him- his life so full of ups and downs- I wonder half the time what he thinks and feels- I wonder if he thinks I help him or if he wonders why he hurts - it breaks my heart to think he has to go through all of this and I am so selfish to think "Why Me" but Why Why can't he one of the 12 things that ail him - well I should turn in tonight since he is sleeping soundly and I am not!